


Good Thing Go

by minnesotamemelord



Category: Law & Order: SVU
Genre: Gen, Goodbyes, Hurt Dominick "Sonny" Carisi Jr., Introspection, Leaving Home, M/M, Male-Female Friendship, Minor Rafael Barba/Dominick "Sonny" Carisi Jr., Moving On, Oblivious Dominick "Sonny" Carisi Jr., POV Rafael Barba, Post-Episode: s19e13 The Undiscovered Country, Pre-Rafael Barba/Dominick "Sonny" Carisi Jr., Rafael Barba Deserved Better, Rafael Barba Whump, Romantic Friendship, Sad Ending, Surprise Kissing
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-06-25
Updated: 2019-06-25
Packaged: 2020-05-18 20:15:15
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,501
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19341826
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/minnesotamemelord/pseuds/minnesotamemelord
Summary: Rafael Barba says his goodbyes.





	Good Thing Go

Just after six o'clock, as the sun was beginning to sink into the river, the elevator doors of Manhattan's 16th precinct slid open, and Rafael Barba stepped into the SVU squad room for the millionth and final time. It didn't look any different. He didn't really think it would, but he found himself just a little disappointed. Nothing would change without him. He was just a cog in a machine, easily replaceable by someone else, preferably someone who was never on trial for murdering a baby.

"Barba." Rollins's familiar twang shocked him from his thoughts. She sat at her desk, staring miserably into  what looked like her fourth coffee of the day. Amateur. He was on his seventh. He responded with a flat half-smile, unable to force anything further. "We weren't sure you'd show." Her arms were folded, and her stern expression brought Rafael back to being scolded by his mother.

"Neither was I." He looked around the room, otherwise empty except for Rollins. "Where is everyone?" She shrugged.

"Olivia went home after she met you. Carisi went out for coffee-" She checked her watch. "-he should be back any minute. And Fin's picking up dinner. Somehow, we all got stuck on the night shift tonight. It's gonna be a long night. And a crappy one."

"So it's just you here?"

"Just me."

"Then I guess this is as good a time as any."

"For what?"

"For goodbye." That silenced any sarcastic remark she might have had prepared.

"You're... leaving?" He nodded and she fell back in her chair, thinking. "Shit."

"But before I left, I wanted to tell you something." He sat on the edge of her desk, leaning over so that their eyes met, and each word he spoke was weighted. "You're stronger than you think you are. I know you act tough. But I also know that you're always worried that whatever you do might not be enough." He smiled suddenly, a laugh bubbling up. "Do you remember when we all went out to drinks last August for your birthday? You and Carisi and Liv got absolutely shitfaced. I was the only one anywhere near sobriety. And this guy at the bar slapped your ass. Carisi tried to break his hand, but he's a sloppy drunk, you know, and one thing led to another, you punched the guy in the face. And then his buddy tried to break a bottle over your head and hit Olivia, and there was this whole big brawl. I was still sitting in the booth, and I was trying to decide whether to sit back and watch or to start kicking ass. And then you looked over at me, and you asked, 'You gonna help us out or what?' and that was that. When I woke up the next morning, I had a black eye, and I couldn't remember how I got it. Ten, twenty years ago, that would have been my worst nightmare, but when I look back on that night now, all I can think about is how much I wish I had been stupid and careless and fearless like that when I was young. Like you are. And-" he interrupted her annoyed expression, "-I mean that in the best possible way. Don't let insecurity or doubt get in your way. Keep being the gutsy, feisty badass I know you are." Her lower lip wobbled, and she wiped at her eyes. "I'm going to miss you, Amanda."

"Oh..." She stood and he squeezed her into a one-armed hug. "I'm gonna miss you too, Barba."

"What the hell is this? I’m gone ten minutes and when I get back you’re crying?” The two of them wiped the tears out of their eyes and turned to face Fin. “So.” He set the takeout bag down on his desk and approached Rafael. “I take it you’re leaving.”

”Yep.” Rafael stuck out his hand, which Fin shook.

”We didn’t always get along, Counselor, but I’m still gonna miss you. At the very least, I’ll miss watching you work.”

”You’re something else, Detective, you know that?” Still, Rafael smiled and clapped a hand on Fin’s shoulder, the one that wasn’t still wrapped around Rollins. “Keep doing what you’re doing. Except, uh, maybe don’t kidnap any more perps. I won’t be here to bail you out.” Fin nodded. 

“Hey, Fin?” Rollins gestured with her chin, and that was when Rafael saw him. Carisi stood by his desk, coffee raised halfway to his lips, frozen like a statue. She detached herself from Rafael and grabbed Fin’s arm, tugging him away. “Let’s get out of here.” Soon, it was just Rafael and Sonny, facing each other from across the room like a couple of cowboys at high noon in an old western. Carisi broke the silence, crossing the room in long, angry strides. He looked like he might punch Rafael, or maybe deck him. Instead, he slammed into him, pulling him into a bear hug so tight that for a moment, he couldn’t breathe. He returned the hug, trying to remember the feeling of Carisi’s surprisingly wiry frame wrapped around him, the scent of his coconut shampoo and $30 hair gel. When they finally broke apart, Rafael laughed breathlessly, brushing his hair out of his face.

”I thought you’d hate me for what I did.” 

“What? Look, Rafael, I don't necessarily agree with what you did, but you did what you thought was right, and I can't help but respect that. You're not a bad person, and you're definitely not a murderer. You're my friend."

"Well, that's good to know, at least."

"So you're here to say goodbye?" Rafael nodded. "Where're you going?"

"Not sure. I've got plenty saved up, so I'm going to take a couple of weeks to figure everything out. Maybe in California."

"California?" Sonny stepped back, physically stunned by the news. "That's-"

"-far, I know. But I have to get out of here. And who knows, maybe I'll be back. I thought I might teach a little. What do you think about that? Professor Barba?" Carisi laughed, his dimples creating craters in his cheeks.

"I like it. Where, though? Harvard? Fordham?"

"God, no. If I ended up with a student like you, I don't know what I'd do. And I sincerely doubt Harvard would take me now."

"You could stay." Carisi's voice was softer now, gentler, almost sheepish. "You could, I'm sure McCoy would let you."

"He would. He told me he would. But, um- but I couldn't live with that. Everyone else looking at me like that. I got acquitted by the court of law, but the court of public opinion-" He plucked the coffee out of Sonny's hand and took a sip. "-that's a whole other story." Just like that, he brushed it off. "I thought maybe the midwest. Minnesota's got a decent law school. So does Chicago. That, or I thought maybe I'd go to Texas. They need immigration lawyers. I don't know."

"You'll find something. I'm sure of it."

"Sure. I'll let you know when I do. But for now..." Rafael wiped away his own tears that had begun to trickle down his face, then reached up hesitantly, almost like a question in and of itself. Sonny answered by pressing his cheek into Rafael's palm, letting him brush away his own tears. "For now, I have to go." Sonny reached up, linking his fingers over Rafael's, squeezing gently. Rafael hardly even realized what he was doing until he was standing on his tiptoes, his other hand resting on Sonny's other cheek, and their lips were connected like a couple of magnets. Sonny's free hand twisted in his tie, pulling him closer. After what seemed like hours, but in reality was only seconds, they separated. They detangled, limbs and hair and clothes. Rafael smiled softly, and pressed a last kiss to Sonny's dimpled left cheek. With that, he left, not another word spoken. He didn't need to say goodbye. That kiss was his goodbye. It said everything that needed to be said, everything that had gone unsaid for the last four years.

He stepped out into the chilly February evening, the sun now entirely gone beyond the horizon. His breath froze as he looked down the street, one way, and then the other. He shoved his hands deep in his pockets, stepped out onto the sidewalk, and started to walk. He would miss this city. He would miss his apartment in the Bronx, and his mother, and the street musicians that always played next to his subway stop. And yet, as many things as he would miss, and there were countless, there was nothing he would miss more than the four people in that squad room.

And maybe he would regret leaving. maybe he would regret saying goodbye, and he would come crawling back, and nothing would have changed. One thing was for certain, though. Even if it was just for now, even if it didn't last, he had to move on.


End file.
